This week I had a massive insight about myself. It’s so big that I can’t help sharing it in the hope that others might also benefit from it. In this process, I have also developed what I coined “The Nutella jar theory”!

But let me give you a bit of context first.

I have always seen myself as someone emotional with very poor emotional regulation, i.e., I experience very strong emotions and at times they take the better of me. That’s how I openly describe myself and, today I am quite comfortable ‘owning’ this aspect of my personality.

Yet, last week in a conversation with someone on the topic of emotional contagion after an event I had facilitated, I realised I was wrong! Yes, there are some emotions I struggle to regulate but there are actually many I can override. As that person pointed out to me, there are many contexts where I experience some negative emotions and yet I don’t let them run the show! It’s particularly obvious in the domain of sports. Almost everyday I get up at 5:30am and do a training of some kind.  Sure, I am not a big sleeper but still, sometimes, getting up that early is tough and I do it without even thinking about it. Why? Because I am committed to my health. Likewise, a few years ago, I ran a marathon. When people tell me I must have been very fit at the time, I smile and my typical answer is “no, I was just very determined”. Was the marathon easy? Hell no! Not to mention Sydney experienced a heat wave that day, but I would have had to collapse for me to stop! And I have experiences of overriding my feelings in areas other than sport. For instance, writing this blog is uncomfortable as I’m exposing myself to criticism, and yet I override this feeling for the benefit of expressing my voice, which is something I truly value. Next week, I’m leading a call with a group of peers. Probably one of the worst things you could ask me to do, but when I was asked, even if I knew it would be hard, I would have never contemplated saying no, because I value challenge.

So what’s my point? My point is that when I have a strong goal or a value, it overrides my feelings. It doesn’t mean I don’t have any feelings, I just don’t let myself go there!

And this is how I developed the Nutella jar theory (and if you don’t like Nutella, replace it with whatever you like, lollies, fries, wine, find your sweet point)! I love Nutella. We all know Nutella is bad for you and yet, some days, it’s just to hard. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s easier to resist Nutella if you don’t have in the house. You can still resist it if you don’t open the jar. But the minute you open the jar, you’re doomed!

To me, emotions – and of course, I more talking about negative emotions –  work the same way.  The minute you let them in, you’re doomed! And I find Nutella is a good metaphor as let’s face it, at times, loosing ourselves in some strong emotions is self-indulging, even if it drives you insane! It makes you feel alive, it attracts people’s attention and  makes some of them come to rescue. Yet, obviously, these emotions can also be toxic – as we all know over-indulging on Nutella, is bad for you.

Now I realise I haven’t discovered anything new there! This is one of the key messages  of Buddhism : emotions cloud your mind so learn to control your mind. To do this, Buddhism suggests having a regular meditation practice. I’ve tried. Yes, it helps and until you get there – or if meditation isn’t your thing – , having a strong goal or a strong value can help you anchor your mind on a stronger focus that will help you override the emotions. We are also very cognitive beings so I find having an alternative cognitive message to anchor your brain is more effective than ‘just’ breathing strategies. Meditation is more a long term game anyway! This approach also reminds me of the ACT approach (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) which encourages people to live according to the values they have set for themselves, even when it’s painful…

So here are a few conclusions I have landed on and wish to share with you.

  • Be careful of the language you’re using to defining yourself for it might define you too ‘tightly’ and prevent you from accessing psychological resources you might have – i.e., my “I am an emotional person and I can’t control my emotions”.
  • Learn to recognise your ‘triggers’, the things that set you off. For me, it’s anything that will set off my abandonment pattern. And if you don’t know what your triggers are, take notes, observe yourself and look for patterns. What makes you cranky? What makes you sad? What are you afraid of?
  • In that exploration, notice the ‘somatic component’. How do you ‘do’ frustration? Where is it located in your body? How do you ‘do’ anxiety? sadness? joy? etc. The more you can “see it coming”, the more you can preempt it by having some disruption stragegies, e.g., breathing strategies, going for a walk, or whatever will allow you to shift your focus elsewhere.
  • If you haven’t succeeded in disrupting your the emotional cycle, i.e., you feel triggered, here are few things you can do:
    1. Name the trigger, literally tell yourself “this is a trigger”. Findings from neuro-science show us that just naming an emotion, can help your brain park it. Your brain needs to know what’s happening as opposed to just having an overall fuzzy uncomfortable feeling!
    2. Activate your ‘Best Self strategy” – this requires some preliminary reflection! Where do you want to operate from? What do you want to manifest in this world?, e.g., “I am a patient boss”, “I am healthy”, “I am loving”, etc. An easier way to think about this is to know what your values are and use them as a compass to navigate challenges.  Having some strong goals around the things that trigger you will also help you anchor your focus on.
    3. Feel it, breathe it and repeat it to yourself as a mantra! Repeat the mantra until the trigger lessens. I read somewhere that the cycle of emotions is 90 seconds. If you can hold a couple minutes, it might be just what you need in order not to dive in the nutella jar and be overwhelmed by your feelings! I find that having a strong expiration as I repeat myself the mantra helps.
    4. If it didn’t work this time, don’t give up and try again next time!

So here you go, that’s my ‘Nutella jar theory’ and a few suggestions, I hope they work for you as they seem to be working for me – a bit too soon to say yet, but so far so good!

Just remember : “DONT’ OPEN THE NUTELLA JAR”!!! 🙂

Let me know how you go and if you have other strategies you can share.

With Love,

Sandra