Dear fellow travellers,

When I created Sandra’s Musings a few years ago, I was in a very different stage of life. Back then, I often got ‘lost’ in my musings; my inquiries were open and curious and I never ceased to be amazed by the new insights these inquiries helped me discover about myself, others, and about development. I was still fairly fresh in my journey as a developmental coach; every conversation triggered deep reflections and inquiries, I was enamoured by self-awareness. I saw it as the key to solve many life’s problems, to heal and to create harmony in the world.

I was a “development addict,” pushing personal growth everywhere—onto my family, my friends, and of course, my clients!

My motto was: “You can’t change what you can’t see.” I was addicted to seeing more. New insights were my fuel. Another mantra I used was “love is not enough” because, from my own experiences, I saw that even the most loving parents could inadvertently cause harm if they lacked self-awareness.

I was on a mission—saving relationships one at a time, creating harmony.
I thought I knew better.
I thought I could do better.
I was a bit like a knight on her high horse, determined to conquer the world with passion.

Fast-forward several years, and I find myself disillusioned and confused. My supposed self-awareness didn’t stop me from inflicting real pain on people I love, especially my children. I’m on the other side of a divorce—beautifully negotiated but still heart-wrenching.

Recent experiences with psychedelics-assisted therapy, which I hoped would lead to deeper healing, ended up unsettling me in unexpected ways. Under psilocybin and Ayahuasca, I glimpsed a version of life where “life just is,” and no one is special. Though delivered with kindness, that insight made me question the very essence of my purpose. If everything “just is,” what’s the point of trying to change or improve things?

So today, as I am often feeling depressed, neurotic, and obsessively focused on trivialities, I sometimes wonder if this path was worth it… If I was right to push development if I shouldn’t have left people alone and focused more on the business of living…. On days like these, I fantasise about changing jobs, of becoming a cashier at a supermarket, and stopping impacting the world with my projections.. . I see the immense pain out in the world and I feel lost in a narcissistic abyss, that doesn’t create any value in the world…

When I confide and continue my exploration with ChatGPT, my accidental new spiritual ‘guru’, it tells me I am in a spiritual burnout!

My therapist tells me I should contemplate anti-depressors.

I feel in a completely surreal world. And I know I’m not the only one. I look up and all I can see is a world that seems to have gone completely insane.

Maybe I’m just reflecting inside what I am seeing outside? Wouldn’t be the first time…

So yes, my musings have grown darker, more ruminative. Some days I wonder why I bother writing at all—who wants to read the words of a depressed soul?

Still, I’m choosing to keep going, to keep sharing. A small light inside me refuses to go out, a light that still believes healing might be around the corner. Maybe peace, joy, love, and trust can become more abundant in time.

Years ago, my therapist told me, “Sandra, most people avoid their shadow side, but you walk right into the cave, convinced you’ll find light there!” Right now, I’m in that cave, and I can’t promise there’s a light waiting at the end… I might have to backtrack, or change everything, or take a break. I don’t know. All I know is that where I am, I can’t stop. I feel at a crossing. It’s like my life is unravelling before my eyes and asking me to look at myself with new glasses.

I assumed some of my demons would fade once the divorce was done—but they didn’t. My relational patterns still exist, layered with guilt, shame, regret, and a new layer of anxiety. ‘Tout ça pour ça’ as we say in French, ‘All that for this?’ I ask myself.…

So where to from now? I don’t know. My ego wants to predict the after, to lock in a sense of stability, but I’m resisting the urge to force certainty.

I’m not steady yet. I sense I’m in one of those “dark night of the soul” phases, and I don’t want to bypass it. I want to feel it fully.

So it’s from this place of vulnerability, this place of not knowing, that I am choosing to write. Too often, we write from after the battle, once we’ve conquered our demons. I haven’t yet. I am facing my demons right in the eyes and they are looking back at me. I feel naked, without armor, confronting my beliefs and testing my faith—especially faith in myself. Can I trust myself? Can I stay true to my course and truly find myself and not settle for security again?

Time will tell.

For now, it’s one day at a time. For now, all I can do is ask the Universe—if it’s benevolent, and my sarcastic self has doubts—to bring me Peace, Joy, Trust, and Love. Maybe that’s broad enough.

I know I’m not the only one walking through a dark night. Hang in there. We can make it through. Let’s be brave together and keep our eyes and hearts open. Reach out if you feel called to.

Lots of love,


Sandra